I have always been fascinated by words. I love trying to
form sentences and pair words together in a way that make people feel. I am
fascinated by the impact that eloquently written words can have on people. Writing has always been something that
I do when I feel inspired. It is one of the ways that the Lord has blessed me
to be able to express myself, and I am so grateful for the outlet. However,
this year, I haven’t known how to put my thoughts, emotions, and experiences
into words because sometimes life is too full for words. Sometimes it is full
of love, laughter, and happiness. Other times it is full of heart wrenching
pain, fear, and sorrow. And too often, we can’t find the perfect words to
describe the soul, because the words of the soul run far deeper than what is
explainable. This has been me more times than I could count this year.
The other night when I was at Breakaway, Ben Stuart talked
about living a life in which A plus B does not equal C. So many people are afraid
to venture away from the safety of A+B=C because that equation equals security
– something we all want from life. I know that I sure do. But God doesn’t want
that for us, and this year He has shown me that He certainly does not want that
from me. When I look at my life I see an equation that is far different from
the safe standard. For example, all of the elements that cover my resume do not
lead up to where I am headed for my job next year. My job is a complete miracle
that God definitely wanted for me, because I never would have figured it out
for myself. Yet, when I look at my life this year (which has thrown me for a
complete loophole and left me feeling like I can’t count on anything) I see a
life that has God’s fingerprints all over it. God has pushed me to my brink
this year, and yet I am now able to see that He had to push me to my brink in
order to break me of my plans so I could follow His. And for that, I am so
thankful. What a wonderful God that He would take a fearful heart into His
sovereign hands and mold it into something that would be pleasing to Him,
holding it still even while the fire painfully refines it.
I simply haven’t known how to put this year into words that
could make anyone understand how monumental it has been for my faith and my
character. This year is unforgettable, both because of the trials and joys that
have come from it. I have experienced pain more deeply than I ever knew
possible, and yet I have also experienced grace and gratitude in a glorious
way. This year has left me with scars that can never be erased, and yet those
scars serve as a magnificent reminder that God is faithful and that He carries
you when you no longer have the strength to move forward. I have learned how to
separate truth from emotion. I have learned the value of family and what a gift
it is to have people love you unconditionally in spite of your faults. I have
learned how to believe truly by faith and not by sight. I have learned how to
be thankful for the smallest of blessings. And I have learned that God’s plan
for me is far more remarkable than what I had planned for myself. I am not
capable of dreaming His dreams; my vision is far too limited.
“Behold, blessed is
the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the
Almighty. For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters but his hands heal.” –Job
5:17
