The Air I Breathe

2014 is here and is already flying by, but since 2013 came to a close a few weeks ago, I have been doing some reflecting (what else is new, I can’t help but over analyze and reflect). 2013 was a big year in my life. It was a year where I traveled to all over the globe to Zambia, Mexico, London, Paris, Munich, Berlin, Interlaken, Rome, Nashville, and New York. It was the year where I graduated from my favorite school in the world – Texas A&M. It was the year that I took a leap of faith and followed God’s calling to move to Houston, Texas, away from my family and all that I was comfortable with. It was the year where I started my first job – a job that can only be accredited to God’s faithfulness and perfect plan. It was the year where I began to truly understand the significance of devoted friends who are unwaveringly loyal and a family who is a unconditionally welcoming and wanting of you, regardless of your every flaw. It was a year where I saw the fragility of life as my beloved grandmother got diagnosed with breast cancer while my grandfather died a slow death with Alzheimers.  It was a year where God held my hand relentlessly as I faced so many unknowns, all the while whispering in my ear that He was in control and knew exactly what my future looked like, despite my oftentimes crippling fear to move forward. It was a year where God infused my life with new friendships and all the laughter and delight that comes with that phenomenal blessing.

Looking at my year like that takes my breath away. It was beautifully painful and heart-wrenchingly brilliant at the same time. As I look at that list, I realize that it takes my breath away because it seems too much for me to handle - the good, the bad, and the ugly was all too much for me to breathe through on my own. But then I realize something else: through the pleasure, ache, laughter, and weeping in the seasons, Jesus was the very air I breathed.

I meditate on the moment in Interlaken, Switzerland in June when my best friend and I spent a day hiking through the Alps while reading Psalm 23 as we walked by the rushing waters of a stream. Then I think about the moment where I stood in Houston’s Hobby Airport sobbing by baggage claim like a two year old after saying goodbye to my family on the plane, knowing in that moment that I was alone in a new city and that I was completely unsure of what lay ahead of me. There are so many moments like those in the past year – the ups and downs of life felt more steep this year than most. Yet, He was in every single moment, enriching the joy or carrying through the heartache.  In Jesus alone there was life, because He was the very air I breathed. Without His breathe in my lungs, I wouldn’t have made it, and there is something so mysteriously comforting to know that my breath is actually HIS breath. I want every breath for the rest of my life to be His, because looking back at this year I can only see God’s glorious power and magnificent compassion. He was my enjoyable travel buddy, my biggest cheerleader, my trustworthy confidante, my primary encourager, my tender soul mate, my faithful best friend, and my adoring daddy. He was in every moment and generously gave me air for every breath I took during 2013. What an inconceivably grace-filled year full of the mountains and valleys that make this journey called life so compellingly beautiful. Here’s to a past year full of memories that were transformative, and new year of opportunities to be molded.

A Healed Heart

I have always been fascinated by words. I love trying to form sentences and pair words together in a way that make people feel. I am fascinated by the impact that eloquently written words can have on people.  Writing has always been something that I do when I feel inspired. It is one of the ways that the Lord has blessed me to be able to express myself, and I am so grateful for the outlet. However, this year, I haven’t known how to put my thoughts, emotions, and experiences into words because sometimes life is too full for words. Sometimes it is full of love, laughter, and happiness. Other times it is full of heart wrenching pain, fear, and sorrow. And too often, we can’t find the perfect words to describe the soul, because the words of the soul run far deeper than what is explainable. This has been me more times than I could count this year.

The other night when I was at Breakaway, Ben Stuart talked about living a life in which A plus B does not equal C. So many people are afraid to venture away from the safety of A+B=C because that equation equals security – something we all want from life. I know that I sure do. But God doesn’t want that for us, and this year He has shown me that He certainly does not want that from me. When I look at my life I see an equation that is far different from the safe standard. For example, all of the elements that cover my resume do not lead up to where I am headed for my job next year. My job is a complete miracle that God definitely wanted for me, because I never would have figured it out for myself. Yet, when I look at my life this year (which has thrown me for a complete loophole and left me feeling like I can’t count on anything) I see a life that has God’s fingerprints all over it. God has pushed me to my brink this year, and yet I am now able to see that He had to push me to my brink in order to break me of my plans so I could follow His. And for that, I am so thankful. What a wonderful God that He would take a fearful heart into His sovereign hands and mold it into something that would be pleasing to Him, holding it still even while the fire painfully refines it.

I simply haven’t known how to put this year into words that could make anyone understand how monumental it has been for my faith and my character. This year is unforgettable, both because of the trials and joys that have come from it. I have experienced pain more deeply than I ever knew possible, and yet I have also experienced grace and gratitude in a glorious way. This year has left me with scars that can never be erased, and yet those scars serve as a magnificent reminder that God is faithful and that He carries you when you no longer have the strength to move forward. I have learned how to separate truth from emotion. I have learned the value of family and what a gift it is to have people love you unconditionally in spite of your faults. I have learned how to believe truly by faith and not by sight. I have learned how to be thankful for the smallest of blessings. And I have learned that God’s plan for me is far more remarkable than what I had planned for myself. I am not capable of dreaming His dreams; my vision is far too limited.

“Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters but his hands heal.” –Job 5:17

Oxygen

I know that it has been awhile since I have posted on here, but I tend to write when life is going well. When life is going well, the words pour forth, but when the going gets tough, the words don’t come. I think I feel like if I write during hard times, then that makes the hard thing that much more real, and I don’t want to have to feel it that deeply or give anyone the chance to read my real feelings on a hard situation. So I close up and I don’t write about it. But I realize that there are lessons to be learned in both the good and the bad times. This semester has tested me more than any other point in my life. God has asked me constantly, “Where do you turn when the going gets tough?” I have had to battle this constantly within, but I want to put this in writing today. After months of struggling (and actually still being in the struggle), my answer to that question is, “I choose YOU, Lord. Above all else, in both the good and the bad, you are my refuge and my stronghold. I will always turn to you.” My faith has become my own through this journey, and that is one of the greatest gifts that I have ever received. God is my oxygen, and when I don’t think I am going to make it to the next moment, the small prayers are the oxygen that connect the moments, and before I know it, another day has passed and I have once again survived the pain. God always pulls me through, even though it’s not ever easy. He is the reason I live, because He gives purpose to every moment of everyday. I don’t know if this makes sense, but I hope that this encourages even just one person. Life is hard, but God is always here and always with you. You are NEVER ALONE. Let God be your oxygen when you don’t think you can take another breath, and before you know it, you will have made it through another day.

This psalm has been so encouraging to me lately. Pour out your complaints to God, He is your very best friend in the world and will never leave you.

You Are My Refuge

With my voice I cry out to the Lord;

with my voice I plead for mercy to the Lord.

2 

I pour out my complaint before him;

I tell my trouble before him.

3

When my spirit faints within me,

you know my way!

In the path where I walk

they have hidden a trap for me.

4 

Look to the right and see:

there is none who takes notice of me;

no refuge remains to me;

no one cares for my soul.

5 

I cry to you, O Lord;

I say, “You are my refuge,

my portion in the land of the living.”

6 

Attend to my cry,

for I am brought very low!

Deliver me from my persecutors,

for they are too strong for me!

7 

Bring me out of prison,

that I may give thanks to your name!

The righteous will surround me,

for you will deal bountifully with me.

Mountains and Valleys

It's been awhile since I've posted on here...A very, very long while actually. But I just haven't had anything to say. The Lord has been working on my heart and I haven't had the words to write throughout this time in my life. I noticed the fact that I hadn't been writing in February and it shook me up a bit. However, I think that has been a part of God's plan for this time in my life. You see, when I write it is because I am inspired. It's usually about something profound that the Lord is doing in my life or about some event that has really molded and shaped me, but lately I haven't had the words, which has been the Lord's way of drawing me near to Him. He hasn't wanted me to have the words because He has wanted me to be still in His Presence and not constantly move.

So that's exactly what I've done, I've sat. For about three months, I have had many a quiet moment on top of my roof here in College Station where I have sat and felt the breeze and let the Lord work on my heart. I didn't know how He was working exactly, but He was and all that I knew to do was to just sit there and give Him the time He has needed to work. It's been like salt on wounds at times, but in the midst of that pain, salt cleans out the infection and heals the cuts. So here I am having words for the first time in months, and it feels wonderful to be back. I'm becoming Megan again - slowly but surely that is.

We've all heard that life is a series of mountains and valleys, and I sit here tonight thanking God for both. Neither is fun, but in the valleys we draw near because we need a life raft out, and on the mountains we draw near because we are physically closer to Heaven. And with every mountain and valley that I conquer with the Lord, I am one mountain and valley closer to reaching flat ground - an eternity in Heaven that I have been thoroughly prepared for because by then, I will be too tired to cross anything else.

I want to share this quote with you. It is my all-time favorite quote and I pray that it helps give some perspective, because it always does for me.

" Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them - Work - Family - Health - Friends - Spirit, and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls -- family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life. How?

1. Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special. 

2. Don't set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you. 

3. Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless. 

4. Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live ALL the days of your life.

5. Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

6. Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us together.

7. Don't be afraid to encounter risks It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

8. Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

9. Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you are going.

10. Don't forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.

11. Don't be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily.

12. Don't use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved."

From the book "Suzanne's Diary to Nicholas" by James Patterson 

Recalibration

Life is beginning to slow down for me. It is such an odd sensation to go from having one of the busiest semesters of my life to having loads of free time all of the sudden. My days this semester had every minute scheduled from 6:30 a.m. until 2:00 a.m. the next morning with absolutely zero free time in there. And suddenly, here I am with commitments wrapping up, resulting in free time where I do not know what to do with myself. All semester I dreamed of having free time to do whatever I pleased, but now that I have it, I find myself slightly overwhelmed by all of the quiet moments.

I want to preface this by saying; none of this is a complaint in the slightest because the free time is quite lovely. It’s just a recalibration of priorities. I have been asking myself questions like:

·      How am I going to deepen my relationship with the Lord?

·      Who needs my time?

·      How can I serve my roommates and show them love?

·      Where can I volunteer in the Bryan/College Station area?

·      How can I make people around me feel special?

These questions are helping me recalibrate my priorities. It is so hard for me to admit, but I spent this semester being very selfish. It was all about my commitments and how busy I always was. Me and I and my. Embarrassing, because this life isn’t even mine. God could take it away in a second, so I don’t know why I ever get confused about what’s important. If the Lord chose to take me today, I would want my last action on this earth to have been something that was serving others because that is what God intended for us to do. Jesus’ last action on this earth was dying on a cross for our sins; He was perfect and didn’t need to suffer on our behalf, yet He selflessly did. So in this recalibration period of my life, I am praying that God would allow me to walk with His eyes, seeing the need and hurt of those around me. I am praying that He would teach me what compassion looks like, to not view people as worthless if they aren’t like me, but to view them as an equal because God created them as well. Recalibration is quite humbling, but it is drawing me near to the heart of God and breaking my heart for what breaks His more and more. 

Psalm 139:13-16

She is such a goofball.

She is so loving.

She is mischievous.

She loves to laugh.

She's got sass.

She wants my hair.

She exudes joy.

She is fearfully and wonderfully made. 

I love this little one and am blessed to hold her in my heart.

To A Special Friend

Deeply thankful for this sweet friendship in my life.

Chloe,

Thank you for being a constant source of encouragement and joy to me everyday. I love the laughter we share together, and I love the deep conversations as well. I know that I can always count on you, and I value your insight and wisdom more than anything. I am going to miss you terribly, and I hate that we will no longer be able to have our wonderful date days full of books, blogging, coffee, and licorice wheels, but we’ll just have to improvise with electronic “lunch dates” (which are always going to be the highlight of my week.) I cannot wait to walk alongside you on this adventure, and I pray that one day we will be able to adventure alongside one another. We are two hearts with one beat, and not even two different continents will separate us. I am always here for you and you are always in my prayers. I love you and am so proud of the way you follow Jesus. Your faith is inspiring. God has gifted you with an ability to love and feel deeper than the average person, a gift that will serve you well as you attempt to walk alongside a broken people who are in dire need of someone to bring light into their lives. You carry that light, Chlo, and they are going to see it in all that you do. Hold those babies gently, hug those broken-hearted women tightly, and relish the joy of holding the hand of an orphan who is a prince or princess of our Savior.  Breathe in the life that is in air of Africa, the life that our God created to bring Him joy. Savor every moment spent with those people, and work hard so that when you go to bed at night, you are peacefully exhausted from fulfilling God’s will.

There will be hard days for sure, but this life was never promised to be easy, and you know that. Taking “the road less traveled” like Christ has called you to do is going to result in some struggles. But “Count it all joy, my sister, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James 1:2-4)

Do not lose heart even when things are hard, and know that you are never alone. You are following God’s call: “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.” (James 1:27)

God will build you up when you are lowly in spirit:

And it shall be said, “Build up, build up, prepare the way, remove every obstruction from my people’s way.” For thus, says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, who name is Holy; “I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite.” (Isaiah 57: 14-15)

And God has asked this of you. I truly believe God is going to raise up generations in these African nations that will glorify Him if we are faithful in following His calling:

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion – to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.” (Isaiah 61: 1-4)

I love you, Chlo, so very much. Keep running hard after Jesus.

Your sister in Christ,

Megan